On Hearing and Needing Messages from the Past (for self expression and a meaningful direction): What memory do you have that holds your truest self? What memories help you hold on to yourself?

This was the spiritual exploration for this last Sunday’s service as we began the journey of “Holding History”. I’ve been thinking about it since then, letting childhood memories flow in and out of my mind, patiently awaiting to arrive at something– that something which holds my “truest self”.

Indeed, I arrived at something– a something I don’t want to forget as I learn how to construct a meaningful theology that makes sense in the context of a faith centered in love. What sort of theology will keep me faithful to the covenants that keep us in healthy relationships of shared power?

I remembered my childhood history and the moments I felt connected to the rest of creation: the moments when I sank into the mud, the boundaries of my human body becoming fuzzy as I blended in with the earth; when I could sense the non-living energy of the sticks and rocks that I stirred up in my coffee can mud stew; when I could talk to the spiders, without fear, as if they were my friends and we understood each other; when the skin of the frogs felt like mine after slushing through the muddy riverbank and I knew they were related to me in ways more complicated than I could articulate.

I remembered the peaceful sense of community that emanated from the circle of familiar humans around the fire, under the stars, surrounded by the trees and the river and the spiders and the frogs. I remembered the sense of awe and wonderment that I held in each moment of experience as I interacted with life, with earth, and with the universe.

Those childhood memories that hold a sense of connection are the memories that hold my truest self, as I could discover my human uniqueness as it existed in the complex world of diverse ways of being. I hold much gratitude for these moments that existed in my life before a consumerist and individualistic culture penetrated too deeply into my consciousness. I am bringing these memories back up to the surface so I can undo thoughts of disconnection and remind myself that I, and the earth, the spiders, and the frogs, have billions of years of the same inheritance. And to appreciate the millions of years of inheritance that have created us as unique beings, ever increasing the awesome diversity and complexity of life.

I hold these memories as my truest self– the one that enjoys the mud, and the spiders, and the frogs– before an essentialist culture (one that defines gender roles by a false sense of the “essence” of a male or female) told me that girls weren’t supposed to be playing in the mud catching frogs or keeping spiders as pets. I understand now how a patriarchal culture confused my sense of self and I am ready to hold my memories close to my heart as I gather my power and move in a meaningful direction that holds onto my connection with all. I aspire to deepen this sense of connection as not only a way to understand the universe, but to understand the work that I have to do in a world that has become so disconnected that we let other humans, animals, plants, and the quality of our earth suffer. I can find my truest self by understanding my relatedness to all and cultivating relationships that grow love.