All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be. – Brené Brown

I read this line about a year or so ago in one of Brene Brown’s books that I was assigned in a seminary class (Dare to Lead, I think it was). It really stuck with me. Then, it showed up in the resource packet for this month’s Living with Intention theme. I am supposing that’s because it truly is a powerful concept– to assume that others really are doing their best and aren’t actually trying to make things more difficult or to cause harm or to not live up to my expectations. I mean, I’d like it if people assumed that I am doing my best because certainly I’m not aware of all the consequences of even my smallest actions and I’d love some grace. I appreciate it when the consequences of my actions are brought to my attention in a caring way so that I can learn and grow from there. If you start with the assumption that I don’t care about you or that I’m purposely trying to cause you harm, most likely you won’t approach me with care, it might put me on the defensive, and it will be more difficult for me to learn how my actions affect others.

I think most folks have “good intentions”, so why not start there and use that assumption to move ahead with the goal of cultivating good relationships. Since I’ve read the Brene Brown quote, I’ve tried to remind myself of it over and over. Sometimes I forget, but when I remember, I can say that it has made my life better. To be honest, I can’t remember exactly the reasons Brown gives in her book for why this approach makes life better, but because I’ve been practicing it, I can share with you the ways in which it has made me happier.

First, it keeps my frustration and anger levels low so that in the moment that I bump up against something I don’t like, I can think clearly enough to be curious and ask questions instead of reacting in a way that could cause harm to the other person. When I ask questions about the other person’s intentions, I understand them better and usually I find out that they are not just trying to make my life miserable. From there, it is much easier to find a solution to whatever I thought might be “wrong” in the situation (and sometimes I find out it’s more on me than the other person…). It’s much better than getting in a tit for tat argument that tears at the fabric of the relationship.

My second explanation is very applicable to a church/community situation in which there is shared space and several people using that space. This is something that I have been working on for years! Quite a few years back it was common in our church culture to target the “they” that were doing something bothersome. But, who were “they”? We had to keep asking ourselves this question to get out of some bad habits. Often, “they” were our fellow congregants, the people we proclaimed to love and to want to have good relationships with, the people that also were trying to build community and do some work around the church. “They” were “us”. What we really needed to do was to put faces and names to the folks that were working hard for the church, instead of going around and blaming the mysterious “them” for all that was wrong, causing much frustration and anxiety in the community. When the “they” isn’t present at the time you happen to be in the building working, pause for a moment and think about who the “they” is. Most likely, it’s someone you care about. Most likely, that person is not trying to get in your way or cause you or the community harm. Most likely, whatever they have done was done with love and care! Pause, approach with those same intentions of love and care before starting a cycle of negative intentions. Get curious and start asking questions, even if “they” are not there. That will help to ease your frustration by taking you out of judgement and putting you back in a place of peace.

Assuming everyone is doing their best can only help everyone. It starts us off in a less defensive, more curious way which opens us up to productive conversation. But if it turns out that someone really did intend to do harm, that will come to light. You will be in a much more peaceful and good intentioned place with more clarity on how to move forward.

Staying out of judgement is hard. It’s learned cultural behavior. It will require deliberate, intentional work and we won’t be perfect. But, we will make progress. We will build bridges between us, bridges that lead to new ways of being. We will be one small community that models the way we want the world to be. It starts with us, it starts with you and me, and as we Love + Connect, we will Transform.