The Value of Candor

Ponderings of the Spiritual Life Director

Candor is a compliment; it implies equality. It’s how true friends talk. -Peggy Noonan

Candor is the key to collaborating effectively. Lack of candor leads to dysfunctional environments. -Edwin Catmull

I will promote democracy by speaking with candor, respecting the right to dissent, seeking consensus, and honoring the will of the majority. -UUCL Covenant, fourth line

Candor, as defined by Merriam-Webster, “refers to straightforward honesty or frankness in speech or expression”. Of course, this doesn’t mean that we all go around “telling it like it is” without regard to one another’s feelings or without applying thoughtfulness to our speech. We’re way more respectful than that, to be sure, as we are guided by our 1st UU Principle. We hold each other in high regard, with an understanding that we are working towards a shared vision.

Speaking with candor implies a level of trust that at times, we might not have in one another. However, underlying our open and honest speech should exist a faith we have in one another to work it out with love. If I expect you to come to me and speak about your concerns, your ideas, your joys, your hurts, then I must be the kind of person that you can trust to not get defensive, to be sensitive to your feelings, to be open and willing to hear what you have to say so we can move forward. If I’m not this way, then you won’t talk to me, resentment will start to rear its ugly head, and we can’t move forward in a way that satisfies us all and builds a future. By no means am I perfect in this way, but I still ask you to trust me enough to speak to me with candor so we can build a democratic, creative, compassionate community. Likewise, I want to be able to trust all of you, so that I can speak honestly and frankly and when I do, I want you to know I’m not attacking you or shutting you down, but rather looking to grow together- emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.

How do you know when you’re not speaking with candor? Like I stated above, resentment will start to rear its ugly head. Resentment is a negative feeling. For me, it sits in my stomach like a heavy rock, weighing me down and taking away my energy. That’s when I know I have something I need to talk to someone about. If I don’t, negativity snowballs and relationships deteriorate. So, if you feel that way about something or someone, talk it out. Sometimes, that takes courage, but keep the vision of our beloved community in mind and know that we must be brave in order to reach that dream.

This is how we covenant to be with one another. Can we speak kindly but honestly? Can we promise just to listen without getting defensive and thinking only of our own reaction or rebuttal? Can we promise not to breed resentment? Can we promise to work it out with love? Can we promise to have faith in one another to build the beloved community? With patience, practice, and love, yes- I know we can!